I bought a pack of jelly tots to act as a replacement for those noxious gels on todays long run. Unfortunately I finished the pack before I even left the flat. As punishment I loaded Paul McKenna’s “I Can Make You Thin” hypnotic track onto the iPod and set off.
So I’m kitted up, eager to go and in fact I have already assumed the running pose and motion, when Paul kicks in and starts telling me to breathe sloooooowly, innnnnnn annnnd ooooouuuutttttttt - for the count of 6 each way. Tying up my shoelaces causes me to hyperventilate, running in Richmond Park has me breathing so loudly and rapidly that complete strangers start handing me paper bags to breath in. I’m on about 60 breaths a second and Paul hasn’t even finished his first inhalation. I resist Paul’s instructions for fear of my brain cells switching down one by one til I end in an unconscious heap.
This guy really is going to have his work cut out with me. I can barely hear him over the gale force 5 swirling in the park but when he speaks up I get the impression I have Darth Vader growling from one ear to another. I tune in and catch him telling my left ear that I’m a super svelte racing whippet who only eats good foods and never ever eats her recovery snacks before she has done anything to recover from. Then he switches to the other ear and tells me about hunger and how good it is.
I know enough about this hypnosis stuff to realise he’s not just trying to mess with my head but he is trying to mess with a particular side of my head. Trouble is, I never check which speaker is meant for which ear when I put my headphones on. What happens if he’s putting my left brain into a right brain trance? Oh god, I could finish this run convinced that I am huge sugar monster.
Earphones whipped out and re-assembled, I continue with the run. And its a tough run. Why am I doing my long runs in the hilliest park in the metropolis when I live slap bang on the banks of a flat river route?
The park is full again, I’m an hour later than last week and my first impression is that there are more walkers than runners at this relaxed hour. Then I get caught in a stampede of crazed runners one of whom tries to scare me half to death with a new years sweaty greeting, they may be friendly but they are ridiculously fast. I would bet that none of them were running round in a hypnotic trance but there must be more to it than that. I’m going to go back to Archers next week. See if I can pull a bit more pace out of the hat then.
13.32 km 1:48:51
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